I think, at times, I am really good at hiding my true feelings.
And this, can be really awesome and really terrible all at the same time.
I have a hard time expressing how I really feel.
Even more so, I have a hard time accepting how I feel.
I like to hide my feelings because, to me, it is the easiest thing I can do.
I've been talking a lot about my past with my good friend Julie.
Not only have I learned a lot by talking to her but I've really been able to open up and bring deep rooted emotions to the surface.
I tend to look past the obvious and go with what I want, not what I need.
I'm learning there have been a lot of experiences in my life where I could have been a stronger person, but I surrendered, because putting up a fight is just too hard for me.
I all too often make excuses for other peoples actions and words. I take accountability for some things that really have nothing to do with me. I blame myself for things I can't control and apologize for things I should not.
I have been making so many excuses lately for what happened with Thomas.
I have taken the blame for everything. I continue to beat myself up over it.
I have stressed myself out to no end wondering what I did wrong.
And really, I have come to realize one thing, I did nothing wrong.
Sure, I may have made a few mistakes here and there.
But the bottom line is, I was me.
If he could not accept me for me, then that was his problem.
I apologized to keep the peace, and later took on the consequences for something that was not my fault.
In the end, I think I have come to realize that I deserve SO much more in somebody.
I should not settle for anything less than amazing.
No one should.
Someday,
I hope I can truly feel.
Because right now, the cover up is on.
